George Carlin-isms
*If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
*The day after tomorrow is the 3rd day of the rest of your life.
*Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
*One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
*If man evolved from monkeys and apes…why do we still have monkeys and apes?
*I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me it would
defeat the purpose.
*Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘a practice’?
*What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
*Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
*Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
*If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
*Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next
to a tree, something is wrong.
*Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
*When someone asks you, ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?
